


the rocks of cithaeron are stupid

by dreamingHierophant



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Also Jade wears a dog collar, Community: homesmut, Crushing Boredom Solved via Sex, F/M, Homestuck Kink Meme, I don't remember what the refrance, Incest, Oral Sex, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Porn with Feelings, Prospitcest, Sibling Incest, Stockings, Yellow Yard, do Jade's dog ears count as anthro?, i guess, so there's that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-20
Updated: 2016-04-20
Packaged: 2018-06-03 11:14:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6608563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamingHierophant/pseuds/dreamingHierophant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>During the three years on the Ship moving across the Yellow Yard (post-John's flipout/Davesprite's departure), John and Jade are bored out of their minds, totally alone, and horny. </p><p>So they bone.</p><p>That's it, that's really pretty much all that happens.</p><p>(I think the title was supposed to reference either the Oresteia or Oedipus or something.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	the rocks of cithaeron are stupid

GG: joooooooooohhhhnnnn! :o  
EB: jaaaaaaaaaaadddddde!  
GG: hee hee arf!  
GG: whatre you doing right now???  
EB: not much! i was trying to alchemize more computer games, but the latest experiment failed pretty badly.  
EB: it turns out problem sleuth and garage band don't make an awesome midnight crew game!  
EB: they just make this terrible game about being a talking piano who is menaced by clowns. :(  
GG: D: oh nooooooo  
GG: is it worse than a time to kill: the mmorpg? because thats the worst thing weve managed to make yet by far x_x  
EB: amazingly? i'm pretty sure it is. D:  
GG: oh geez!  
GG: to the trash with that nonsense then!!!!  
EB: pchooooooo!!!!  
EB: anyhow, what about you?  
GG: well.....  
GG: actually i was kind of wondering if you wanted to fool around  
EB: oh I am always up for fooling around!  
EB: but what KIND of fooling around are we talking here?  
EB: (hehehehehe)  
GG: john you know what kind!!!!! >:P  
EB: do i?  
EB: maybe i am supposed to show up at your room dressed as a magician with casey in a tiny clown suit.  
EB: ooh or maybe groucho marx and a tiny dog.  
EB: even better! wizard groucho marx.  
GG: ugh no you are not and i will not let you in if you do show up that way  
GG: groucho marx is an enemy of science  
GG: also not someone i will get naked for ever  
EB: awwww, lame.  
GG: mister egbert i am offering to give you a blowjob wearing just my stripey stockings and ruby slippers!!!  
GG: so you should watch yourself!!! :P  
GG: otherwise horny witch night will be cancelled indefinitely  
EB: okay, okay, i take it back! :O  
EB: no hilarious moustaches or eyebrows here, no ma'am.  
EB: ummmmm  
EB: will you wear the dog collar too?  
GG: hmmm...  
EB: pleeeeeeeease?  
GG: omg fine yes you perv <3  
EB: yessssss, good dog, best sister.  
GG: augh shush!  
EB: <3  
EB: i'll be over in a second!  
GG: ok! :D

**Minutes in the future, but not many...**  
Jade was as good as her word--she had, in fact, greeted John in nothing other than red dog collar, her black-and-white Witch's stockings and ruby slippers. Which had made the Heir blush as bright as his ectosister already was, and given him an instantaneous boner that his pants did nothing to disguise--comfy though they were, the pants of his God Tier were rather snug. Jade, of course, had grinned at this development and pulled him into the room to execute a CROTCHGRAB FRENCHKISS xJOHN COMBO, as well as shutting the door behind them to dissuade the potential attention of carapacians and consorts. John, wisely, chose to ACQUIESCE in response.

Now, he sat on the edge of Jade's bed, pants and underwear having just been shoved down around his ankles; Jade knelt before him, her ears perked, grinning up at him as she trailed her tongue, soft and long and languid, up the shaft of his cock, giving soft, teasing nibbles to the very tip with her front teeth before swirling her tongue like he was her ice cream cone. The whole process made John's legs wobble and made him make an incoherent noise in his throat. Jade giggled; she'd always been amused by his funny noises, and this was just another way to produce them. Gently, her lips wrapped around just the tip in a kiss before she drew back.

"you taste really good today," she said to him with a smile, their cheeks both burning as she did. "i dont know why!!! but you do."

"thanks," he said bashfully, half-out-of-breath-sounding from her tongue. His hand almost absentmindedly went to gently skritch behind one of her ears, which made her whimper happily. "you _feel_ really good! but you kind of always do, so that sounds stupid... "

"no!! i like knowing that! :P" She followed this statement up with another long lick, her tongue trailing over the veins, and a nuzzle to his balls, before John's hand took firm hold of her head and his fingers slid under her collar, pulling her down. Jade yelped playfully and struggled a little, but they both knew it was an act. As her ectosibling's cock reached her lips, the Harley girl slipped it into her mouth eagerly, wrapping her lips shut, though she kept slurping quietly as she moved her tongue, her butt wriggling in tempo to an inborn urge to wag a non-present tail.

John gave a long, happy groan, his fingers stroking Jade’s hair, petting gently as she took him in eagerly, deep as she could go without either of their powers coming into play, making soft little sounds as she swallowed around his head, eyes darting from his cock back to his face. Her breasts pressed into his ankles, and her fingers gently gripped his thighs as she held him in her throat for an incredible ten seconds, then began to slide back, sucking hard, the Witch’s eyes meeting his the whole time, till just his head was in her mouth, at which point she swirled her tongue once more, lapping at him.

“good _girl_ ,” John sighed happily, petting the dog-Witch’s head and ears and grinning, which made Jade close her eyes and whine happily around him, one of her hands moving up to fondle his balls, tickling and groping gently.

After a moment she glanced up to him again, and grinned visibly, then took him into her throat again, making the Heir gasp and whimper and wriggle, his hips shaking slightly. This time she misjudged, though, and gagged loudly, coughing as she slid John out. “ack! damn it!!!! sorry :(” she whimpered, bright red in the face, lapping apologetically at the underside of his cock, but John smiled and gently ruffled her hair.

“oh psh, it’s fine,” he said, his fingers gently curling in her unkempt black tresses. “are you alright? do you need to stop? :o”

“no no, i think im ok!” She gave another eager lick, then slid his cock back into her mouth, much slower than before, and giggled around him as his face contorted funnily and John made an utterly ridiculous noise of pleasure, hands holding onto her ears. His ectosister’s fingers ran teasingly over the underside of his balls and the top of his thigh as she slurped him down, gagging again just a little but successfully taking him into her throat, pulling back just as slow as she’d taken him in. The weight of her breasts on his legs kept him from thrusting into her mouth at all, which benefited them both--John had found he liked to let Jade take the lead in this, eager younger sibling that she was.

“oh _fuck_ , good girl, _gooooooood_ girl,” he sighed, and snickered as her butt wriggled again, swirling enough of the Breeze up to feel like a solid smack to the cheek, which made her squeak around him and speed up her tempo, spit slicking him all over, her green eyes shining.  “fuck, jade, oh man,” he whimpered, “i’m gonna cum...”

Jade made a muffled, eager noise, nodding at him, and as she pulled back once more the Egbert boy came onto her beckoning tongue to her delight; slipping him out of her mouth, she flashed her full mouth at him just a teasing moment before swallowing with an audible gulp. And then burping slightly, which made her blush and John chortle.

“noooo augh shut up!!!" she said, pouting and beating his knees ineffectually, before he pulled her up, easily, into a tight hug and a kiss that was, even after what they’d just done, still the affectionate lip-smack of close siblings, not the mouth-to-mouth contact of lovers. “you were delicious,” Jade murmured with a doofy smile against his ear. 

“hehe, maybe it’s that we’re finally alchemizing regular food again?”

“it could be,” Jade admitted, scrunching her brow and chewing on her lip as she moved to nestle her head against his shoulder, her breasts warm against him. John had a brief sense of déjà vu.

** John: Remember the first time this happened. **

It hadn’t been that long after his disastrous birthday--a few weeks, probably. John had trouble keeping track of time out here.

He’d apologized to Jade pretty much as soon as he could find her again, remembering the hurt look in her eyes from when he’d thrown his fit, which had seemed really fucking dumb the minute he thought it over and had a chance to berate himself for it. She’d pouted, sulked a little, and hadn’t forgiven him immediately, as was her right. A day and several Squiddles marathons later, though, and they’d been as perfectly fine as if it had never happened.

He’d tried to find Davesprite, to apologize for anything that Future Dave might’ve heard or really just to make sure things between them were cool, because for all his bluster, John didn’t hate the guy. It was just...it was confusing, because this wasn’t like Nannasprite, who was his grandma’s ghost, period, or Jaspersprite, who was just Rose’s dumb but pretty cute cat. Davesprite was his best bro in so many ways, but he was way more bitter and angry than the actual Dave was and kept bringing up shit that John didn’t remember, and he was never sure when he was going to step on the sprite’s figurative tail. After a while he’d just given up.

For all that, it still felt bad that he couldn’t find him.

Jade had taken it harder, of course, and spent a whole day crying into John’s shoulder while they watched some sappy movie and she ate a bunch of ghost sweets and cursed how stupid boys were. Her ectobrother had nodded sagely and patted her back and hugged her, because boys were stupid; he was kind of case in point himself. They’d fallen asleep watching Failure To Launch or something, Jade drooling a little in her sleep.

Then life went on as normal for a little while, or what passed for normal on the golden battleship. Jade shrunk them down and they visited the Land of Wind and Shade a little while, floated around Typheus’ palace and mused out loud why the Denizens were asleep. They sized back up and played through Problem Sleuth together. They tried to code something in ~ATH but were both terrible at it and it wouldn’t even compile.

Somewhere in those days, Jade had suggested, half as a joke, that they take a shower together. John had squawked and babbled and made the Witch of Space fall over laughing at first, but after thinking about it had decided to call her bluff, if only to regain lost prankster’s gambit.

And that had been the first hint that there was something weird between them, because while they’d bathed it’d been sort of this halfway thing. Jade was his sister, and he was comfortable with her as his sister, he liked having a sister. He thought of her as such.

She also looked good naked. Like, really good. He’d blurted out as much and felt dumb. But Jade, despite going a shade of red he’d thought was pretty much limited to tomatoes or Dave’s SUPER COOL chat color, had smiled and kissed his cheek and told him in excruciating detail how much of a pervert he was, which sparked a water fight that would’ve ruined any normal bathroom.

They’d kept showering together after that. He mostly tried not to look, or just to sneak peeks. At one point he’d gotten a boner, which had lead to terrible Nicolas Cage-related memetic fulfillment, another epic splash fight, and watching Snake Eyes.

It wasn’t till several showers later that he’d made the mistake of looking too long, and getting a boner that stayed around. She’d noticed, but she hadn’t teased him this time, instead staying quiet. As they got done towelling off, she’d wrapped hers around her instead of summoning a fresh set of God Tier garb, so he did the same. She took his hand, silently, and lead him to her room (she’d relocated their rooms from their respective Lands to the Ship itself for now with judicious use of Space, it made things more homelike), where they’d both sat down on the bed.

“ummmm,” he remembered her stammering, biting her lip, both their hearts audible through the Breeze they were so nervous, “john? i know its weird to say this and its probably just these stupid hormones but...do you want to have sex with me??????”

“um. well. yes...? yeah,” he’d replied, nodding, trying to push any doubt out of his mind.

She’d bid him close his eyes, and the next thing he knew his cock was in Jade’s mouth. Following that, it’d been a lot of other places, along with their tongues, and their hands, and each other’s limbs, and eventually finally he’d been inside her and it’d taken only a few awkward movements and grunts and shouted fuckwords till they both came.

Laying against one another, afterwards, he’d been suddenly filled with worry, like he’d done something wrong, done something that would screw them up.

“jade?” he’d asked softly. "was that...bad? is it going to make things all weird?”

She’d looked at him, the most vulnerable he’d ever seen his ectosister, ears seeming to wilt against her head. “did... it feel weird to you? i mean it wasnt bad for me but...D:”

“no! it was great! just...we’re brother and sister, you know? and i don’t want to ruin that...”

“well does this have to?” she’d whispered, nuzzling against his neck. “i...i mean youre still my brother its just...”

“sometimes we _do it_?” He’d waggled his eyebrows and Jade had giggled.

“well yeah, that was the thought!!! :P”

He’d thought about it seriously, and scrunched up his face, and finally he’d looked at her and kissed her softly. “you know what? that sounds good to me.”

“yay!!!!!”

And that had been--

** Jade: Stop your ectobrother spacing out. **

A gentle pinch to John’s balls brought him back to reality, and a half-amused, half-worried-looking Jade, who was arching her eyebrows.

“wow, was i that good john? :P”

“bluh! uh, i’m sorry, i just spaced out a minute thinking about stuff!” he said, blushing. “i mean, you *were* really good! just...”

“hee hee its fine doofus,” she murmured, nibbling at his ear, her hand moving to rub his belly gently, then run her fingertips over his shaft, a little tentatively. “ummm...do you wanna stop???"

“oh hell no!” The Egbert boy rolled the two of them over with a squeal from Jade, his own buck teeth nipping back at her neck and positioning himself above her, his hand slipping between her legs and gently pushing her thighs apart, his finger grazing over her clit and making her wriggle. “it is a policy of horny witch night that i have to make you cum super hard and flail around! this is serious science fact, jade. i am not allowed to just take a mulligan on this.”

“hmmmm well this is an agreeable policy i guuuuueeesssss” his ectosister said with mock reluctance, poking him in the nose and smirking before chewing on her lip a little, her ears flicking up and down. “also this is gonna sound a little weird coming from me buuuuuttttt do you think you could just fuck me???? ._. i kind of got all excited...”

John grinned and kissed her again, still fraternal in spite of all they had just done and were talking of doing, moving his hands down, sliding them over her thighs and making her shiver as he reached her knees, taking them in his hands as he repositioned himself. “aww, sure,” the Egbert boy said, nuzzling between her breasts.

The Harley girl made a happy noise, and lifted her legs up as she spread them, John aiding her with his grip underneath her knees, resting her feet against his shoulders, lining up the tip of his cock with her lower lips. She nodded to him, and gasped softly as he slipped inside her.

Making his own soft noise, the Heir began to slowly, slowly rock his hips, sliding back so he almost pulled out of her, then back in, and he felt her take a deep breath, which she released as a moan with a hint of dog-like whine in it, at the same time as the muscles of her pussy clenched around him and her hands clawed at the bedsheets. She hadn’t been kidding, John realized--his sister was as wet as he’d ever felt, like he’d just finished licking her, and her nipples, which he leaned to nibble, were pebble-hard.

One of his hands interlaced its fingers with hers, squeezed gently as he sped up the rocking of his hips just a little, and as he slid into her the next time she all but bucked to arch her back, her free leg’s foot sliding off his shoulder to hook around his arm. “ohhhh fuck! johnnnn...oh goooooooodddd,” she whined, panting, barely coherent. “harder, p-please...!!!”

“o-okay,” he managed to gasp, nodding, and thrust hard enough into her that she gave a sharp wordless cry and he saw stars for a moment--his next motion wasn’t quite that hard, but it was enough to make her muscles ripple around him, make her give a shuddery moan and curl her toes. He’d already begun to regulate his breathing via the Breeze...he liked to last as long as he could for her. He was the elder sibling, after all, so he had to shoulder some responsibilities! ...he didn’t know when they’d decided that, but they had. Maybe it was during one of the anime marathons they’d had in this same room? Not important now. He rocked his hips again and her back arched clean off the bed, their hands squeezing one another’s, butterfly-kissing his ectosister’s neck and breasts.

“oh my god, i love you, youre the best brother everrr,” Jade all but trilled, thrashing her head a little, hair a mess, and he couldn’t help but laugh a little at the absurdity of the statement, of their situation.

“l-love you too, jade,” he grunted; he couldn’t make himself say “sis” mostly because it made him feel like Karkat’s weird scary clown friend or a too-ironic Dave, but the cadences in his voice told her ‘sister’, and that was enough.

They weren’t _in_ love, not really. He probably could’ve had a happy life married to Jade, they both could’ve, but it would have felt wrong, like they were going about things how they weren’t supposed to. He loved her, though, he wanted to take care of her, and this felt like it was part of that, at least a little. A way to stay close to one another through three long years where they were really all each other had, because ghosts were ghosts and weren’t enough, the carapacians were just alien enough to be incomprehensible, and no one was going to look for deep personal connection with a consort anytime soon. And because she was Jade and had always been physical, “earthy” somehow--consider her garden! And, yes, because this felt incredibly good, primally good, in an animal sort of way, so sue him.

Her hips shuddered and her pussy pulsed hard around him again as Jade gave a loud, half-sobbed cry that had started as an attempt to speak, probably say his name, and John almost instinctively moved to kiss her, slip his tongue against hers as he thrust harder and faster into her, losing the tempo to just the incredible feeling of being inside her, and as he thrust into her so it rocked the bed her legs and arms wrapped around him like a flower in reverse bloom. He cupped her face and gently squeezed her thigh and tried to gather his thoughts as he came, felt himself lose it inside her.

He didn’t stop moving though. Jade writhed, and after another few thrusts her pussy clenched tight around him and rippled as she all but screamed and came herself, her panting sighs becoming giggles as the afterglow overtook them.

John went to move so they could cuddle properly, but Jade locked her legs.

“nooooooo stay, you feel warm D:” she whimpered, so dog-like he bust out laughing and had to kiss away a _not at all theatrical_ pout.

“greeeeeedy!” he said in a murmur, nuzzling her neck.

“a little, yeah, but ive earned it havent i? :P”

“yeah, yeah you have,” he agreed, and skritched one of her ears again, making her close her eyes and grin.

And they lay entangled that way, the Heir and the Witch, listening to the rhythm of the Ship’s strange Skaian machinery, John briefly and amusedly noting that during their romp Jade’s easily mid-thigh stockings had slipped into pools at her ankles. Her ruby slippers were still on, though.

Hmmm. Ruby slippers.

“hey jade?”

“mmm???”

“when we’re less naked...we should try alchemizing that wizard of oz dvd with one of the computer games! and maybe...squiddles. yes. brilliance.”

“ooohhhh, that actually sounds like it could be fun! yes! :D”

“...it might make a judy garlandle, though. or like...a glindle. :(”

“._. ...as long as its not a munchkle i think well be ok. we should try it anyhow!”

“yes! we will brave the potential for weird movie star squids.” He yawned deeply and nuzzled her neck. “later.”

Jade giggled and kissed his cheek, and the two ectosiblings drifted off a while as the Ship voyaged on.

**Author's Note:**

> ORIGINALLY POSTED FOR: Homesmut XVIII; the prompt was "John/Jade, incest, ectosiblings-with-benefits; they know they're related, but is it really wrong to have a little mutual fun during the long years waiting to meet up with their friends?" And then I was the writeranon who filled it, hooray. (how goddamn long ago was that holy shit)
> 
> I like the piece, though, it's cute, so what the heck let's put it up here for the enjoyment of others with any other old HS smut I happen to actually be not viscerally dissatisfied with since I happen to have a bit, eheheh.
> 
> ...John/Jade in general is one of my secret trashy delights, but it's actually hard to find the sort I like, which is part of why I wrote this. u_u I dunno, I've never felt like Jade or John would have that much problem with the idea. Jane, if she knew her ectobiology, would flip the fuck out, as would Jake--John and Jade, not so much.
> 
> ANYway uh please. Enjoy.


End file.
